


gotta fall to come back

by blackemerald_60



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cat Centric, F/F, Fluff, I'm so sorry for this, Mental Health Issues, No Plot/Plotless, Psychological, The Brave Fighter of Sun Fighbird meme: Is this a plot?, also can't sumarize this, and titles too apparently, i still suck at tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28990728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackemerald_60/pseuds/blackemerald_60
Summary: Cat-centric story.Slowly falling down the deep end. Losing her grip on her thoughts. And finally learning to tread.
Relationships: Beck Oliver/Jade West, Cat Valentine/Jade West, Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	gotta fall to come back

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about the summary.

They worked well together. For a while. Cat was good for Jade and Jade was good for Cat. Jade was a shield for Cat. Cat, who used her colors and sounds to distract herself from her family, from the hurt and the confusion, from her family that didn’t have time for her because they needed to pay attention to her brother. Cat, whose actions attracted the unwanted attention of people who thought they could use her, abuse her. Jade was a shield. No one dared to mess with Cat when it became clear Jade had her back. 

No one knew that they were dating. It didn’t matter if people knew or not, but they’re two secretive people with different methods of keeping distance. It was just natural for them to keep it between them and only them. No one had to know. 

And Cat. Cat was good for Jade. Because the two of them could talk about the things they could never say out loud. The things they kept hidden away because it wasn’t anyone’s business. And they talked. They talked and cried and raged about the shit they couldn’t say since no one else was listening. 

Cat was good for Jade because Cat was fun and pulled Jade out. Cat gave Jade someone to focus on, keep in line, and by doing that, Cat made sure Jade’s mind was occupied.

Yes. They worked well together. For a while 

But they also knew - or Jade knew - that it would eventually end. 

But before that. Before the end came. When they were young and furious, young and in love with each other. When it was them versus the world, when it was them together, alone. When Cat was still a brunette with a hold on the thoughts and not the thoughts holding her. When Jade’s walls were only up to her waist and not past her head where the world could barely reach her through the cracks. 

The kisses they shared were usually sweet, filled with the taste of candy, gentle hands reaching. Jade was so much softer when it was just the two of them. When it was rough, Cat knew something was wrong and accepted the nips on her lower lips, the suffocating pressure, and the hair pulling. When it was done, Cat was happy that Jade came to her instead of the bottles and blades hidden in her closet.

Sometimes they skipped school just to wander around and no one would see how relaxed Jade looked, how she gazed at Cat, and how Cat smiled at her. Those looks were private and they wanted to keep it that way. 

Sometimes there would be nightmares, and Cat would wake up to Jade crying silently into her stomach. In the morning, no one ever said anything. But Cat would speak nonsense until Jade gave an exasperated sigh and an eye roll. The absurd a better tool than a hug. Jade didn’t do well with affection.

But the end had to come. Jade knew it from the start. But she was selfish and wanted to see where it went. Cat didn’t know in the beginning, but she knew as their relationship went on, that one day it would end. It had to. There were things in their lives, parts of themselves, that kept them from being together. 

So it ended. 

And it was...fine. At first. 

Two people who kept secrets and distanced themselves from the world, had very similar coping mechanisms: they both got hair colors. Jade maintained her brown for a while, just adding the colors how she felt. Pinks and blues to remind herself of someone that she still called her friend. Cat went for an audacious red. Maybe to symbolize her beating heart, or maybe it was a warning color, or maybe she just liked it red. No one really cared to find out. “I like your new hair” was the only compliment she got. It didn’t matter if they knew or not; she knew that Jade saw it, and that’s enough. 

Jade moved on and Cat pretended to. It was fine, being friends with a girl she knew intimately. It was fine that Jade was kissing Beck at school, when Jade never even dared to hold Cat’s hand in a friendly manner. It was fine that Beck could sling his arm around her shoulders. Everything was fine. 

Until Tori showed up. 

Before Tori, Cat knew her place, Beck knew his place, and Jade knew her place. Cat was only supposed to be a friend. A silly, loud, and sweet friend. Beck was her boyfriend. He kept her in check, he made sure she went to class; he was not a butler, he was not her parent. Jade knew that the walls she built would keep her in eventually, but for now, they served well as a deterrent to the general public. A year went by without a hitch because they knew their roles. 

Then Tori showed up. And Jade couldn’t keep away. 

Cat saw it, before anyone else, because Jade was her girl. Cat saw it, before anyone else, because she was always looking for a crack in Jade’s new armor, the armor that she fine-tuned after the breakup. Cat saw it because she was looking at Jade as Jade watched Tori. Cat knew it before Tori knew what she felt. 

Her descent was slow. Gradual. Tori’s was a lot faster. 

One was a lot worse than the other. 

It was a dumb plan, a dangerous plan, and the only plan. Jade knew about the fragile stability. Jade watched for the last year and was about to deem Cat safe to be left alone. Because Jade had been keeping an eye on the girl she loved, making sure she didn’t fall, being there in case she did. But Cat wasn’t falling until she was. And then the falling wouldn’t stop. It could be delayed, overlooked, but it didn’t stop. 

Her speech got more eccentric, coherent thoughts tumbling off her lips in increments, losing focus only to snap back in at an awkward time, making it perfectly clear that she wasn’t there... until she was again. No one cared. 

Not her parents. Not her friends. Only Jade. Because Jade knew. Or at least she thought she did. 

Cat’s spiral down that road got worse the more Jade paid attention to her. It got worse because it meant that it was working. Jade could never fully be someone else’s if a corner of her mind was occupied with making sure Cat was okay. The more Jade tried to keep her with the world, the more Cat left. Hoping that the girl she loved would come back to her completely. 

It was wrong. But Cat couldn’t stop. 

Tori was bright eyed and bushy tailed in the beginning. Naive and sweet, a little overzealous. Jade didn’t like her, yet she was still drawn to this newborn deer, still walking cautiously, afraid of falling. If only she could see the talent she held. 

They were friends in the beginning. It was easy to be friends with such a nice girl. It was easy being friends because neither of them knew what they were feeling. As long as they were kept in the dark about themselves, it would be easy to remain friends. The longer they stayed away from each other, the less Cat had to spiral out, to draw Jade in. 

* * *

It was the goddamn play. The play Jade wanted to produce. It should have been Cat to suggest raising money, but it came from Tori. That’s where it started. When Jade started to pay attention. Really pay attention to this girl that kept trying despite Jade’s best efforts to alienate her. 

Still, Cat had the small victories, like starring in Jade’s play, and getting hugs from Jade on a regular basis. Small victories like the fact Jade rarely yells at her or makes fun of her. 

But that play, it changed something. Their dynamic started to shift a little after it. 

Another year passed, this time a little more tumultuously. Suddenly, Tori started to grow a little backbone. Getting pushed by Jade and learning not to back down has done that to her. Jade responded well to that. Seeing someone come back for more instead of cowering, yeah, she responded well to that. 

So Cat spiraled out a little more, hoping Jade would just keep that corner of her brain free of anyone else. But the shift was apparent. Jade was beginning to understand. Something wasn’t right. She just couldn’t pinpoint what. But she couldn’t keep paying attention to Cat out of the corner of her eye. She needed to focus on herself for once. 

Because Tori was starting to get in the way. Tori and her button pushing. Tori and her constant search for cracks in her walls and armor. No one had ever been so conspicuous in that task. Not even Cat. Cat had accepted the walls and armor. And if she ever looked for the cracks, she was quiet about it. But Tori was obviously searching. And Jade couldn’t stop her. No matter what she did, how cold she was, how many times she knocked down Tori, she just stood back up and came back for more. 

It was terrifying.  
But it was also exhilarating. 

Someone wanted to know her. 

Not in the way Cat once knew her. Not in the way Beck once knew her. In a different way. Tori was there and messing up the careful balance. Each day, Tori was challenging Jade in a different way. And Jade couldn’t understand that either. Not at first. 

When the reason started to become clear, Jade couldn’t keep away any longer. 

And when Jade could no longer keep away, Cat could no longer keep the thoughts at bay. They started to take over. The last bit of control Cat had was slipping away. Jade had to come back if Cat was gone...right? 

But it wasn’t right. Jade was moving forward. And Cat knew. That last bit of sanity within her, knew. She had to stop. She needed to reign it in. 

When Jade and Tori finally kissed, Cat somehow knew that too. It showed on Tori’s face. And Jade was covered in Tori’s smell. 

So Cat lost it, instead of reigning it in.

That last bit of her that had been clinging was gone; washed away in the cacophonous whirlwind, the tumultuous tidal waves.

The thoughts had claimed her. 

And Jade saw the break. And her own heart broke. She had thought that Cat was still okay. 

And yet. 

Before Jade could drown herself in guilt and anger, Tori stepped in and told her to go talk to her best friend. Tori held Jade’s pieces together with a firm hug, soft words, and kisses that demanded that she come back from the edge. Tori held Jade’s pieces together until she was strong enough to stand up and text Cat to meet her at their field. 

And Cat, even with her mind spiraling, was surprised and hopeful, but also doubtful and afraid as to what the summons could mean. But her heart was still whispering, “Jade, Jade, JadeJadeJadeJade” and had to answer the summons, no matter the outcome. 

So they met and Jade could see the mess Cat became. The wild eyes and the unnerving giggle as Cat held onto Jade, as Jade let Cat’s arms rest around her neck, as Jade hugged Cat until the giggling stopped. 

They talked until Cat came back, and not the shadow, not the thoughts in control. They talked until Cat found peace in the fact that Jade will always be her friend. They talked until Cat could once again form sentences and just not nonsensical sayings and noises. They talked until the wild and consuming light shrank, and became eyes with a hint of clarity.

Cat might never be the same as she once was. But then again, none of them were the same from a year or two ago. 

They talked far longer than they thought they had, as the sun was rising again, when they met in the heat of midday. 

Jade gave Cat a ride home, or rather, a ride to Tori’s house, after stuffing Cat’s bike into her trunk. And Tori, sweet Tori, was waiting for the both of them with some coffee and snacks. They brought Cat upstairs and let her nap, hoping her mind would remain there. 

Jade told Tori about the important stuff. Like how she and Cat once were, and where they were now. How Cat had become untethered, but now she was back...partly. And Tori listened, never judging, and thanked Jade for her honesty. 

* * *

Cat woke up in the comfort of a bed not her own, and certainly not Jade’s. It was Tori’s room.

The conversation she had with Jade, both when she was away and when she came back, floated in fragments across her mind. Two things were very clear now: She and Jade were now different people, and, it would be okay. 

Cat allowed herself to stay in Tori’s bed a moment longer, taking shelter in the warmth. The sun was streaming through the parted curtains and for the first time in months, she felt a bit closer to “being” and not floating. For the first time in months, she had some control over her thoughts. The fact that she could filter through them, address them, was a comfort. 

Maybe she would never be able to go back to being ignorant of her condition, but maybe she didn’t want to. It was better to know what was happening. And maybe next time, the fall wouldn’t be so bad. 

After a few minutes, Cat finally got out of Tori’s bed and went downstairs, where she could hear the quiet hum of a TV; it was probably just turned on to fill the space. As she got closer, she saw that Jade’s head was in Tori’s lap and Tori was absently playing with her hair, running her fingers through black locks. That stung. For what reason, Cat couldn’t tell. But then again, the feeling passed as quickly as it came. That had to be a good sign. 

Tori noticed her coming closer and gave a soft smile and cocked her head, telling her to come and sit. Jade sat up when she noticed and gave Cat some room to sit in between them. 

Tori turned the TV volume up and the three of them watched a mindless show with Cat huddled in between them.  
  
If Tori felt warm tears running down her collarbone, she ignored them out of courtesy.  
If Jade heard muffled sniffles, she ignored them for the same reason. 

When the tears finally stopped coming, Cat leaned back and fell asleep a second time. The last thought that crossed her mind was that it was all going to be okay, because Jade was still hers to some extent. And Tori was hers too, in a way. They would be her anchors. It would be okay. 

It would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Before anything else: 
> 
> Thank you, as always, for reading /anything/ of mine.
> 
> now for the dumb/ranty/spilling my guts for a second part:  
> I feel like Cat Valentine's character could have been handled in so many [better] different ways.  
> She could have been a really interesting character but Nick just ... did that to her. And I feel robbed for a lot of reasons. 
> 
> I relate to her in a number of aspects, but I can't really elaborate.  
> I'll just leave it at: struggling with my own mental disorders alone in high school was really fun /s  
> Kinda wish there was a character I could actually relate to in that aspect.  
> Jade and Cat were about as close as I got at that time lol  
> [Didn't watch any of the "psycohological" anime at that time] 
> 
> Anyway that's enough from me.


End file.
